End of the Line

I am no longer a Peace Corps Volunteer.

As official as that line is now, it still doesn’t seem entirely real. Maybe it’ll feel real in a couple short hours when I ring the bill to metaphorically signal the end of my Peace Corps service here in Belize, but who knows. It didn’t feel entirely real when I signed my last document stating that I was done, so maybe the bell won’t feel real either. I’m not sure it’ll feel real until I’m on my way back to the States on October 6. There’s a sentiment among us dating back to when we got on the plane in Miami from Staging 27 months ago to embark upon this journey in Belize that it’s not real until you’re on the plane. I think that will still apply to me, so we’ll see what happens. Either way though, my time in Peace Corps Belize is officially over.

These past 27 months have flown by in a whirlwind faster than I could have possibly imagined, and I’ve loved every minute of it. Sure, it was hard as hell sometimes, but for all the difficult moments I had along the way, there are innumerable good ones that cast a deep shadow over them all, obscuring them from view. They’ll never completely go away, and I will absolutely remember them, but always in the light of how amazing my time here has been regardless, and how much I’ve loved my service here.

I know I’m a different person now than I was when I started, and while I knew at a base level that was a possibility when I arrived here, I had no concept of how, or how much it would occur. I know now that I’m a much more patient person that I ever was before. That I’m more resilient than I thought possible for me. That while I valued meaningful relationships so much already in my life before, I value them so much more now, on a deeper level. I’ve found a comfortability with myself and confidence in who I am as a person that I never had before, and I can no longer make excuses (nor want to) for the person I am and have become. I once said in a previous blog post that I’m more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have been before, and that’s a direct result of my service here.

My time here has been, in a word, incredible. The people that I’ve met and worked with are among the most amazing I have ever known, and I will never not cherish that. The work that I’ve done here has been fulfilling on a level I’ve never experienced in a job, and I hope that it continues to benefit the people in my village for a long time to come. But even if it doesn’t, that’s not the important part here, the relationships are. There will never be a time that I won’t want to come back to visit my village, my family and friends here, and I anticipate doing so frequently until I’m physically unable to do so from old age. The relationships I’ve formed here have made my service what it has been, and that’s all that really matters.

To all the people I've known and worked with here, thank you for everything from the bottom of my heart. I love you all so much, and I will miss you more than can possibly imagine. To my fellow RPCV's in BH4, this was one hell of a ride, and I couldn't have done it without you, nor imagined it any other way with any other people. I can't wait to hear about all the amazing things you'll go on to do now that we're done here. To BH5 and BH6, best of luck throughout your service here, and enjoy it as much as you can, because it'll fly by. To the new volunteer who will be taking over in the village I served in, I know you're going to do amazingly well there, and I can't wait to here about it! I hope you'll love it there as much as I do. To everyone in my village, thank you for absolutely everything during my time there. Thank you for making me a part of your community, for working with me, for accepting and loving me, for all the memories we've made, and for always being there for me no matter what. I love you all so much. To my training host family in Valley, thank you for being there for me when I first got here, and for taking me in, treating me like family, and teaching me everything you did. I will never forget you, ever. Finally, to my permanent host family in the village. Words cannot express how much I love you all. Thank you for being a real family to me, one that I absolutely cannot live without. Thank you for everything you taught me. For all the jokes, laughing, crying, and general all around craziness. I can't imagine my life without you all these past two years, and I know my service would not have been the same had I not had the privilege of living with you. I love you all so much, and I know I'll see you again sooner rather than later once I have to go back to the States.

Re junilex inwaamigeb ut injunk'ab'aal sa' li k'aleb'aal, tojokre re xjunil joq'e haq wiib' inhab' xnume aran. Mas nakex inra junilex, ut mas nakex ink'u'uxla joq'e tento tin q'ak se estau. Nin nau tin chal wichik chi b'ehek eerikin, ut tin ye eere joq'e tin nau joq'e. Usra chaabil eeyuam, ut tin tijok re eere. Mas sa inch'ool xin wanko'ok aran, xin kanjelak eerikin, ut xin q'ulbaalex se li k'aleb'aal. Moko tin sach we inq'eqchi xb'anaq tento tin aachinak eerikin joq'e tin chal wichik chi b'ehek. Mas nakex inra, mas nakex ink'u'uxla, ut tojokre re chixjunil.   

From here on out, things get interesting. Tonight will be my last night in the capital, after which I’ll go back to visit my training host family tomorrow for a couple of days. Saturday I return to my village for about a week to finish up work on the library and officially open it, and say my goodbyes (for now) to the wonderful people in my village. I officially leave my village on October 2 to visit San Pedro for a couple days to do some last minute scuba diving, and then October 4 I travel to Cancun to fly out to the States on October 6. I’ll be back in the States for a month before coming back down to Mexico for Addison and Sonja’s wedding, and from there will travel around Mexico, Guatemala, and Honduras for 2-3 months. From there, I’ll return to the States for good to work, likely sometime in January. I’m not sure what the next chapter of my life will look like, but I know that things will work out as they’re supposed, and I’m not worried about it even a little bit.

And so with that ends my last blog on this site. This was devoted to my time in Peace Corps Belize, which has now come to an end. I have to say though, at the end of it all, that I really did live the dream down here in this wonderful place.

Love,

Bryan

Homestretch

I tell ya…less than 3 months to go in Belize…it’s absolutely surreal. How can I possibly have been here for 2 years already?! It honestly feels like I’ve only been here a few months sometimes, but then I think back to everything that’s happened over the past 2 years and it seems like I’ve been here for 5 years. It’s a real mind trip getting to this point. I’m no longer one of the “old” ones here; I’m ancient with one foot out the door. Two groups before me have gone, and two groups have arrived since coming here. BH5, the year after us, they’re now they “old” ones, and BH6 are in country now and are the babies that just came in! It’s wild to think that I’m going in to help with training for a 2^nd cohort next week, and that in a few short months I won’t be here at all. At this point I’m in the homestretch, and I’m not really sure how to deal with that.

Most of me is absolutely not ready to leave. I love it here. I’ve loved my time here, my job, my family, and the people in my village. It’s hard for me to fathom leaving any of that, especially my family here, who have been so wonderful I can’t even put it into words. Part of me though, albeit a small bit, is ready to move on to the next thing. I have trouble with the idea of settling down and staying in the same place for a long period of time, and 2 years have come and gone already. I’m ready to move somewhere new, find a new job, and do a bit of traveling before that all happens. As of now, my last official day as a Peace Corps Volunteer is 20^th September. After that, I plan on sticking around for another week or so, and am aiming to leave the first week of October. After that, I’ll be back for a few weeks before heading off to Mexico (on a one-way ticket!) for Addison and Sonja’s wedding in November!! I absolutely cannot wait to see y’all get married, it’s about damn time! I love you both so much. I’ll be there for a week before venturing off for some solo travel around Central America. Tentatively I’m going to be in Mexico, Guatemala, Honduras, and maybe Nicaragua (depending on the situation there), before coming back to the States (theoretically) for good. I’m shooting for 2-3 months of traveling, but we’ll see how that goes. At this point I should tell you all that as much as I love Christmas and would love to be there for it this year, with my travel itinerary, I have no plans of being back from Christmas this year. I will likely be back in January, pending any changes happening along the way. After that, I’ll come back to WI and try to find a job somewhere.

The last few months leading up to this point have been pretty crazy! After BRO Camp, things started moving full steam ahead with getting ready for GLOW camp! After weeks of selling doughnuts and panadas and a movie night, we raised enough money to send 3 girls to camp. They just got back yesterday, and as sad as I am I couldn’t go, I’m glad they had the chance to go and have a great time! I’m so proud of all of them, and I’m so glad someone like Mrs. Cec could take them (and have a wonderful time as well!). We’re moving forward on building a fence around our health post, and have all but secured all the materials we need to do it. All that’s left is to deliver a couple letters and wait for the materials to come in. Everything should be done there by September! We also finished up our teacher’s resource center, which still requires a bit of work, but will open officially with the school year in September as well! Graduation was a few weeks ago as well, which was absolutely incredible. My brother Tony graduated from preschool, and my sister Senaida graduated from Standard 6. I’m so proud of both of them, but especially Senaida who is going on to high school next! Last week she had orientation for high school, as well as GLOW camp. I’m so proud of this kid, and I can’t wait to see her graduate high school in 4 years.  And finally, the library.

The library is, I think, FINALLY moving forward (though I feel like I’ve said that a million times at this point!). We’ve secured the space, officially, and we have a ton of books. HUGE thank yous to Jeanne Styczinski (Mrs. Jeanne) and Jo Aamodt for their generous donation of a box of books to our library! Mrs. Jeanne is a local Wisconsin children’s author who writes some fantastic books that will be an amazing addition to our library! Feel free to check out her website at https://mrsjeanne.com/. Jo is her sister, and graciously purchased a number of Mrs. Jeanne’s books in order to donate them to us. In addition, I’ve heard that they have coordinated some additional book donations from friends and family that they’ll be sending our way as well! Thank you both so much for all your help in stocking our library, we’re hoping to have it open by September! Also, thank you to my dad, Norb, and my step mom, Jill, for being the ones to organize the donations and send them down here! Finally, thank you to Renee in the Independence Public Library down here in Belize, Ms. Sunny Wilbur, and Darien Book Aid, a Peace Corps established book aid foundation, for giving us a ton of books as well! I can’t wait to be able to share pictures of our finished library when we (hopefully) open in September.

I think that’s all for now. See y’all in a few short months!

Love,

Bryan

BRO CAMP 2018!!!

Written 23^rd April

“BRO CAMP 2018!!!” 

…is a cheer that rang loud, and often and BRO Camp 2018, which was probably the most amazing week of Peace Corps to date. I feel like I keep saying that, but it keeps being true. Wonderful things continue to happen down here, and honestly, I’m really going to miss it when I have to go in October.

Yep. October.

I’ll tell you ALL about BRO Camp 2018 the rest of this post, but I figured I’ll get this out of the way first. My Peace Corps service will be ending sooner than I had initially hoped, since I had wanted to extend an extra year in my village. What happened is this: I was offered an extension as Peace Corps Volunteer Leader (PCVL) for the next year, on the condition that I moved to Belmopan to complete the year there. This would involve leaving my village and my host family to live in Belmopan to work more in the office supporting staff and volunteers with things like training, site visits, and our program review. While I applied for this role, I applied for it under the condition that I would remain in my village to continue working here. My proposal was rejected as it was, and I was given the counter offer to move to Belmopan. It was an immensely difficult decision, perhaps the hardest I’ve ever had to make, but I have chosen to decline the offer and end my service in October when my projects here are done.

It took a lot of soul-searching and many insightful conversations with my wonderful friends here in Belize and some family and friends back home to reach my decision. Ultimately it came down to asking myself why it was I came here in the first place. For me, it was to work my tail off for my village to help whoever I could, get to know the people and the culture here, and become a part of my community.  As much as I would enjoy training and supporting the other volunteers as PCVL, it’s not what I came here to do, and staying an extra year away from my village would pull me away from what I came here to do. My heart is in my village, and if I left to go to Belmopan for a year, I know I wouldn’t be as happy.

So that’s where I’m at now, getting ready to come back to the States in October.

Anyways, BRO CAMP 2018!!!

BRO Camp was, in a word, incredible. For the past nine months, I’ve worked closely with some truly amazing people from the BRO Task Force (“The Force” for short, as we call it) on planning and executing this camp. Huge shoutout to Nick, Megan, Ellen, and Grant for being such dedicated and passionate partners in making this camp happen, I love you all so so much. We also had a lot of help from our friends in the Department of Youth Services, Amram and Shayanne, who were instrumental in camp going as it did! I’m so glad we got a chance to start this partnership with you, and I can’t wait to hear about what you do with BRO Camp and BRO Clubs in Belize going forward! Also a big shoutout to our friends from Seeds of Change, Gabriel and Erwin, who stepped up as phenomenal leaders for the boys at camp, and who we look forward to working with again in the future! Finally, our of our BRO Leaders from the villages. We had 12 villages come to BRO Camp 2018, the most ever. Thank you Progresso, Maskall, Red Bank, San Jose, Otoxha, Dolores, Laguna, San Pablo, Armenia, Libertad, San Vicente, and San Benito Poite for coming to camp, bringing your boys, and making camp what it was. We had 74 boys show up from those villages (also the most ever), and we all had an incredible time. The boys were all split up into teams of 7-8 and were led by two BRO leaders. Each team was comprised of boys of different villages, to encourage new friendships and cultural exposure. Without our incredible BRO Leaders mentoring these boys throughout the week, camp would not have been possible. So HUGE thank you to Mr. Acosta, Teacher Angel, Mr. Quib, Mr. Jorge, Mr. Xi, Mr. Olario, Mr. Primo, Mr. Henry, Mr. Victor, Mr. Orlin, Mr. Tony, Amanda, Claire, Billy, Eileen, Phillip, and Ivette. We could not have done it without you, and I know the boys all had a fantastic time working with you throughout the week. I hope you all enjoyed it as much as we did, and we can never say thank you enough for the work you did this week.

Throughout the week, we had different activities to teach the boys about our main themes: leadership, self-esteem, self-expression, self-reliance, gender equality, and healthy living. We had 6 spectacular guest speakers that came in to talk about something related to each of those topics, and I kept hearing over and over how much both the leaders and the boys enjoyed our guest speakers. So thank you as well to our amazing guest speakers: Mrs. Nunez, Mr. Cho, Mr. Mendez, Mr. Rodriguez, Mr. Amram, Mr. Acosta, and Ms. Shayanne. Thank you for bringing your positive messages to these boys, and teaching them everything you did. I believe that all of our boys grew because of your talks with them.

We also had a bunch of fun activities that the boys had to work together to complete, while competing with the other teams for our BRO Camp House Cup! We did things like BROlympics, a talent show, obstacle course, and a non-communicable diseases scavenger hunt. The boys also took some time to learn how to make goal-setting kites, create flags with their teams, tie-dye their BRO Camp t-shirts, and complete a service learning activity to give back to the community. Throughout the week, boys would take turns helping cook in the kitchen, and clean up afterwards. MASSIVE thank you to Chef Kirk, our absolutely incredible cook for the week. He’s awesome with the kids and the food was absolutely delicious. Also big thank yous to his helpers, Mandy and Nancy! We were also constantly on the lookout for BROs doing awesome things, and displaying new leadership skills. Each time we saw it, we’d call it out and award points for our house cup, which got incredibly competitive! We taught the boys about our BROcabulary words, and had them come up with their own. Incredible things like BROiversity – the diversity of BROs, BRO-operation – BROs working together, and BROlogical Sciences – the study of all things BRO. These kids were so phenomenal this week, it’s hard to put into words. This is my favorite thing in all of Peace Corps, working with my BRO (and GLOW!) Clubs, and BRO Camp is the best thing I’ve been a part of during my time here. It was absolutely exhausting and I got a total of 11 hours of sleep the whole week, but it was absolutely worth it.

Now BRO Camp is done and we’re set to pass the torch on to the next group. It’s pretty surreal that’s it’s over, and it was so much work, but I’m so glad I got to be a part of it. Best of luck to Claire, Anne-Elie, Taylor, Ivette, and Rachel next year, along with our partners in DYS and Seeds of Change. We can’t wait to hear all about how BRO Camp 2019 goes!

Bryan

Peace Corps: Year 2

Written 1st April, 2018

“Wank aajunk’ab’aal ai” – “You have your family here”

“Ma ink’a laa’in li gringo anawank?” “Ink’a, la’at brown chi k’ama laa’in anawank!” – “Am I not the gringo now?” “No, you’re brown like me now!”

“When will you go da States Mr. Bryan?” “Joq’e tin raqe ai, maare se October, maare sajjun hab” 

“Oh…well maybe I will miss you.” – “When I’m done here, maybe in October, maybe next year”

“It’s boring here when you’re not here, there’s nothing to do!”

“Whenever you need help Mr. Bryan, just ask. You helped me, so I will help you.” 

When people ask me why I love it here, quotes like these pop into my head. I can tell you that I love my family, my village, my work, and the people here, and that is all true, because it’s the relationships I’ve formed here that make me love it so much. Things are really hard here sometimes, and plans almost never go through exactly as they were designed, but at the end of the day I think back to some of the things people have said to me during my time here, and my perspective always changes.

The quotes above are just from the last couple of months, and the ones that popped into my head first when I started writing. I’ve had more of these than I can count, and I wish I could have written them all down. All the kind words, jokes, lessons, and all around great conversations I’ve had here; there are too many to count. Though I may never be able to remember them all, they have shaped who I am today, which is someone who is (I think) quite different from the man who stepped off that first plane to Belize 19 months ago. I’m a better person for having come here and met these people, and if nothing else, even if my work here amounts to nothing, I will always have that.

When we joined Peace Corps Belize, we frequently heard how much better year 2 is compared to year 1. We were told it was because at that point, you’ve established your work, your relationships, and how you operate in your village. I absolutely believed it then; it made a lot of logical sense. Now though, I can say with absolutely certainty that my 2^nd year has been leaps and bounds better than my 1^st. Don’t get me wrong, despite all the challenges I had during my 1^st year of service, I still loved it. It’s just that my 2^nd year has been, frankly, magical, and even if my 1^st year had been perfect, the 2^nd would still be better. I feel so much more comfortable here, and even more than that, like I belong and am wanted here. I’m a part of the community now, no longer just the saq (gringo) that showed up to talk about health. People come to me for help because they trust me, and I do the same whenever I need help on something. It’s because of that that my work has taken off. There’s never a dull moment here anymore, and I love that. I don’t have to fight for my work anymore; people come to me with work projects if they think I can help them. Sometimes I can’t, and that’s okay as well. Despite how much I know I’ve changed here, a lot of me is still the exact same. The first year, I felt like I had to tiptoe around, hiding parts of who I am or thoughts that I had in an effort to get along with everyone. Now, I feel so much more comfortable in my own skin, I don’t feel the need to make excuses for who I am here anymore. I’m more confident in my individuality than I think I ever have been in my life. I can’t tell you how wonderfully freeing that is.

For deeply personal reasons like all of that, selfishly I want to stay. That being said though, I wouldn’t try to stay longer unless it made sense for my work. After all, that is why I’m here in the first place. I wasn’t going to say anything until I knew the outcome of the situation, but here goes anyway. Some of you know this already, but I have applied to extend my service an extra year. I don’t know yet whether or not it will be granted, since I’m not the only one applying, but I should know by the end of April. I hope and pray that it works out, but if it doesn’t, it’s because someone else was granted the extension that deserved it more than I do. As disappointed as I would be with that outcome, I can live with that, because I know that between the two of us, whoever gets it will have earned it, and go on to have an even more successful year 3. Best of luck to you sir, I wish they could take both of us.

If I don’t get it, my service will end in October. If I do, September 2019. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, so whatever the outcome, I’ll accept it and move on to the next chapter of my life whenever that will be. For now though, I will keep working my butt off until that day comes. On that note, here are some of the things that I’ve been working on lately:

Community Library

As some of you have seen on Facebook, we’ve submitted our grant application for our Community Library project! I couldn’t be more thrilled that it’s done and in, and though we still have a long way to go, we’re moving along towards making it happen! If all goes well, we’ll begin the renovations of the building in June/July and plan to have everything finished by the time school starts again in September. We’ve gotten a bunch of book donations already, and are waiting on some more to come in!

BRO and GLOW Clubs

My boys (BRO – Boys Reaching Out) and girls (GLOW – Girls Leading Our World) clubs are in full swing, and I love them so much. This is easily one of my favorite things that I get to do here, working with these kids. We just wrapped up fundraising for BRO, because BRO Camp is this week! I’ve been on the planning committee for camp these past 9 months, and it’s crazy to me that it’s finally here! I’m so excited to bring these boys to camp; it’s the best week of the year. My GLOW girls will be starting fundraising just after the boys get back from camp, since their camp is in July. Can’t wait to start with them next!

Health Post

We’re working our tails off to try and build a fence around our health post to protect it, and are then looking at renovating it altogether into a bigger health clinic. We sorely need it, since the village has about 2500 people in it, compared to the couple hundred the health post was built for nearly 25 years ago. Our fence is well on its way, we’re just trying to work out getting the materials that have been committed. After that, we’ve got some promising leads for renovations! This would be my main project should my extension get approved.

Those are the really big things that are taking up all of my time right now. I’m still teaching (and still loving it), and have had a bunch of visitors lately! Jen and Marc came down in February, and that was amazing. They even got engaged while they were in Belize, which is beyond spectacular and I couldn’t be happier for two of my favorite people in the world! My family also came down just a couple of weeks ago, and that was great as well! They got to see my village for a bit and enjoy the beach on Placencia, my favorite place to visit in Belize. It was sad to see them go, especially when I don’t know when it is I’ll see them again with my extension up in the air. I almost certainly won’t be coming back to visit until I’m done, so it could be as long as a year and a half. Also, after 20+ years of never really being close, my brother Kyle and I finally started connecting. Definitely the surprise of the trip for all of us, but it was awesome actually getting to know him for really the first time ever. I have another friend or two that may be coming to visit in June/July, so I’m looking forward to that next! With how fast the first 3 months of this year have flown by, I know the next 3 will be just as fast, if not faster.

Well, I think that’s all for now. I’ve been told I get a little long-winded on my blog posts, so I’m gonna end it here, though I make no apologies for it since I only post every couple of months now :-P.

Bryan

P.S. I'll have another post coming soon with BRO Camp and news of the extension situation, I just haven't had a chance to write it yet! I'll post pictures with the next one as well!

Double Reintegration

Long post ahead y’all, you’ve been warned!

They call the first 3 months of Peace Corps Service at your site the “Integration Period.” It’s supposed to be a time where you spend doing little project-related work so you can focus on getting to know the language, your host family, your village and the people in it, and figuring out your project, work priorities, and where you fit in the grand scheme of things. It’s supposed to be somewhat relaxing, mostly due to the fact that you have a lot of free time since you haven’t figured out anything about work yet. For some people, that’s true. For others, it’s the complete opposite, and all that free time leaves you going a little bit stir crazy. Can you guess which boat I was in? Absolutely, unequivocally, the latter.

The “Integration Period” is often seen as one of the most difficult times of Peace Corps Service, up there with PST (Pre-Service Training) and nearing COS (Close of Service). I did not particularly enjoy PST. Sure, there were some really great times, and I wouldn’t trade the experiences I had with the absolutely incredible members of BH4 (my cohort) for the world. There were also some awful times, like when my gut bacteria changed about a month and a half in and I felt like I had food poisoning for 3 days. Compared to my first 3 months at site? PST was a cakewalk.

Those of you who know me even moderately well know that I’m a busybody. I hate not being busy, it drives me nuts. I would rather see 8 things on my calendar for a single day and be running from place to place all day long than see that day empty, any day. So when I tell you I read more than 20 books (yes, I do have a running list) during that first 3 months and took about as many naps as a cat during that time, you can understand how much free time I had. It drove me nuts. At the same time, I had this weird anxiety about going out into my village and meeting people. Again, those of you know who me are probably scratching your heads right now thinking, “Really?” because you know I love going out and meeting people. Going out to visit in my village now is one of my favorite things here, but in the beginning, I was really self-conscious about it. See, Peace Corps makes you do, think, and feel things that you likely wouldn’t have normally done, thought, or felt otherwise. It made me feel insecure about leaving my house for awhile, because I wasn’t sure I would be able to effectively communicate with people. It made me anxious about a lot of situations that I normally would have jumped head-first into. It made me think that I wasn’t as much of an extrovert as I’ve always thought. Those are all things that I would not use to describe myself. I still don’t, especially since most of those things have passed, but some of the anxiety is still there. I’ve never been an anxious person and I don’t like feeling that way, but I find that some of it is still present. I really noticed it when I visited the States over Christmas. I was a much more anxious driver than I’ve ever been, and I didn’t like it. Part of that might have come from driving a rental car for 3 weeks, but I think there was more to it than that. Anyway, the point of all this being, the first 3 months were really hard for me. The hardest of my Peace Corps experience, and potentially working life, so far.

That being said, I wouldn’t trade that period for the world, because it helped me get to where I am now, which is comfortable, integrated, and absolutely loving where I am and what I’m doing. I can’t tell you how many times we were told “Peace Corps is the hardest job you’ll ever love” before going to our sites. I believed it to be true the first time I heard it, but that phrase is one of those things you need to experience to truly appreciate. Peace Corps is absolutely the hardest job I have ever, and may ever, have. It is also the job that I’ve loved the absolute most. I know I’m where I’m supposed to be right now, and on the really hard days, that helps to keep me going.

So why am I going all the way back to my first 3 months when I’m now well over a year in? Well, I wanted to give some context (sorry, a lot of context, y’all know I’m awful at being concise) for what I’m about to say. The last month has (while paling in comparison) really reminded me of those first 3 months in my site. It has been pretty difficult for me in a lot of different ways. Sorry y’all, this is not a super happy post in general, though I will throw in some awesome stuff at the end. Peace Corps isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, it’s damn hard sometimes, and I can’t (and won’t) sugarcoat that. I’ve undergone a veritable crap-top of personal growth while here, and part of that has been realizing (and becoming okay with that fact) that it’s okay for things to not be okay sometimes. It’s life. It’s also okay, and frankly good (read: cathartic), to talk about it sometimes. I’m okay with saying it now. The last month has been rough.

December started out great, but it took me out of my village a lot, something I don’t particularly like. I love it here, and when I’m gone I feel like I’m not doing my job, even if I’m leaving TO do my job. Nature of the beast, I guess. I had planned to go on leave to the States starting December 13 for 3 weeks, something I was fairly anxious about. I’d never left the village for that long since coming here, and I knew I was going to miss it. I left the village on a high note though, playing Santa in the annual school Christmas Pageant the night of the 12^th. It was absolutely nuts, but it was a blast. After that, I said goodbye to my host family and left early the next morning.

My 3 weeks in the States was great, and it was just the right amount of time. I actually did very little work, had plenty of time to relax, and while I didn’t get to see everyone, I did get to see a lot of my family and friends, which was amazing. The weird part was in coming back. I’ll be honest, it felt like I didn’t really belong in the States a lot of the time. I’ve heard a lot of people who have done study aboard or a lot of travel utter something similar to this, and I never really understood it until it hit me. I’ll never forget flying into Fort Lauderdale with my buddy Nick, coming down over acres and acres of homes, businesses, streets, and lights, feeling like it was totally foreign. That culture shock hit me right away. I was going to have to reintegrate to the States over the next 3 weeks, and I wasn’t sure how to deal with that.

Reintegration went, in a word, okay. There were a lot of times where I felt overwhelmed with everything around me, even if there wasn’t actually anything going on. One of the weeks I was back, I was in St. Paul staying with the Shackeltons, and had to drive out to Bloomington for a TSA pre-check screening. I hadn’t eaten anything yet that morning, so by the time I was done, I was hungry and looking to get some food. Such a simple thing, but driving around Bloomington that day was actually pretty stressful. I had no idea where to start, there were just so many places to go everywhere I turned. I ended up deciding to get some Caribou first, thinking that was a good place to start. I parked in the lot and sat there for a minute, just collecting myself. Got my coffee and was getting set to leave, when I noticed a Bruegger’s in the next lot over. 90% of the reason I got Bruegger’s that day was because it was so close and the easiest thing to do, I didn’t know how to go about figuring out where to eat if I didn’t just do that. So I did.

There were a lot of little things like that that were just super weird and slightly uncomfortable for me. It happened throughout the entire trip, and was a big reason why I was content to relax and do nothing as frequently as I did, which is not me at all. I love going out and being social, but relaxing meant I didn’t have to go out and deal with those little things. Of course, I couldn’t do that the whole time, and I didn’t. I went out plenty. I had to, and I’m glad I did. Taking the easy way is almost never the best way, and I’m not one to half-ass things.

Despite all of this though, my time in the States was great. Seeing everyone and being home for Christmas was wonderful, and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat, even if I knew all of the above stuff in advance. Near the end though, I was ready to head back home to Belize. At the same time though, I was a little nervous about it.

I was damn excited to come back to Belize, but when I got here, everything felt just a little bit off. Like something had changed, and it wasn’t the same Belize I had left just 3 weeks before. I was suddenly nervous about going back to the village I loved and seeing everyone. Thinking about it now, it was completely unfounded, and I was being ridiculous worrying about it. But worry I did, and it colored my first week back here. Those same odd feelings of being anxious about leaving the house were back, if only for a short while. There are a lot of things going on in the village right now, so there’s plenty of work for me to do from home, work that needed to be done. I used that as a crutch the first couple of days back though, and didn’t go out much. It felt like I had to reintegrate here now. Again. I wasn’t prepared for that at all, and the first few days were really weird for me.

But I couldn’t stay sitting in my room forever. I had things to do, and people that hadn’t seen me in almost a month that wanted to reconnect. I had to go out. I had to rediscover how much I loved being out and about in my village. In a way, I’m glad it happened like this, because I got to feel those same feelings of relief and ecstasy that I got when I finally felt truly comfortable in my village, all over again. Nothing had changed, and I’m not sure why I was ever worried that it would have. These people still saw me as a member of their community, as a friend, as family, and as their Piis Koor.

Since those first few days back, things have improved drastically. Projects are moving, and I now hate being stuck in the house again. The latter actually made me realize that I can’t have a normal desk job when I get back to the States, it just doesn’t fit me. I derive too much joy from being out and about, connecting with people. Stifling that stifles me, and I’m just not as happy that way. Classic Peace Corps, still making me learn new things about myself a year and a half in. Suffice it to say though, I’m in a great place again. I love it here, and I couldn’t be happier.

So let’s end this on a happy note, with some rapid-fire awesomeness that’s been happening over the past few months (since I’m awful at keeping up with this thing nowadays).

• My CHW’s (Community Health Workers) and I put on a health fair in November that went crazy well, over 100 people showed up!
• I helped a local farmers group put on a football marathon (read: single elimination one day soccer tournament) to raise money to buy tools for the group. They raised over $1,200!
• I started my BRO (Boys Reaching Out) and GLOW (Girls Leading Our World) Clubs, and they’re freaking awesome. I love my kids.
• I’ve also been working on the BRO Task Force to plan BRO Camp coming up in April, and couldn’t be more amped to finally get to it!
• We’ve secured funding to build a fence around our health post, and once that’s done, looking at renovating it altogether!
• I’ve been asked to start teaching adult literacy classes, so that will probably start soon.
• I’ve been working on a Teacher’s Resource Center at my school along with my Principal, which will be mostly done after this weekend!
• My library project is FINALLY making moves! I’ve gotten some book donations in and some future ones secured, my committee is set (and hopefully gonna meet next weekend), the National Library Service wants to come down and meet with us to help us along, and we’ve started work on the grant for it!

Us b’i, a’an chixjunil re anawank, nakex inra!
(Alright, that’s all for now, I love you all!)

Bryan